Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
