my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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