fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
