So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Four minutes until I can fart!
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Randomize
