I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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