I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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