Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
