she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
