Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
