Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
