Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
im calling her cock vulture from now on
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
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