He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
me + whiskey = a bad person
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Randomize
