my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
