wanna go halves on a baby?
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
