One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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