went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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