all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
My vagina is officially offended.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
