What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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