Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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