I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize
