Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize