you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
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