At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
