I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
