Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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