Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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