thus making me awesome and them whores
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize