This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
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He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
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I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize