my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
