I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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