WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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