you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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