I need help removing her.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
