when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
