I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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