Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
