Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
When are your genitals available?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
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