My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
