You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
