So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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