he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
