Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
