I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
