I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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