wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
