my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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