Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
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