So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize