my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
