Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
