Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
