My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
