at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
