I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
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i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
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I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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