You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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