Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
