maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I wish there were birth control emojis
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
